A moment captured from another night ridden with insomnia
When people tell you to not have that extra cup of black coffee at 7 pm, you must listen. This goes for that extra glass of, what seems to be harmless, glass of wine. Because then if you wake up to check on something as important as curdles and cuddles that is to say, wordle – you really cant go back to sleep.
I dont like nights unless I am sleeping peacefully. I hate insomnia and especially the ones induced by caffeine and memories.
Anadita was telling me about shifting realities. And alternate reality. A friend recommended a book called ‘The Midnight Library’. I had put it off for a bit but when on our regular hunting mission at Bahrisons, I saw Ana pick it up for herself, I bought it for me too. Now what has The Midnight Library, my insomnia and too much caffeine got to do with each other, you would ask. Well! Nothing except that I thought of reading it so that it will put me to sleep but it turned out to be interesting and here I am writing a blog post at 2.38 am with clearly no sleep in sight.
I have intuitions. Funny ones sometimes. I will wake up exactly around the same time at night when someone’s message just reaches me. Its been going on for over 2 weeks now. Its quite strange but, the more than 1000 odd kilometres doesn’t seem to stop the phenomenon from happening night after night, every night. I wonder when this will settle down. Maybe soon, maybe never! I hope never.
I am reading 40 rules of love by Elif Shafak and I was telling myself that the day I finish reading it I will find love. And the moment I recognised that feeling, I cant bring myself to read it anymore. It is my belief that Rumi and Shams will help me just as they helped Ella and Aziz. What an escapist thought, quite frankly, if you ask me.
I wanted to watch Gehraiyaan for whatever reason. Maybe I wanted to remind myself how being cheated felt like to stop myself from self sabotaging. Or maybe it was just to remember that cheating was not a wrong thing. I mean my ex-husband cheated on me and now, since our divorce, is happily married with a child. Although I was reading Khushwantnama recently where he said that cheating is not necessarily physical but a lot of times it’s mental and therefore, every husband or wife is guilty of it.
So the fact that my ex chose to share the videos of him and her and the child, exclusively with me on whatsapp status and then to put cute videos of him and his wife on insta which was, hitherto a private account, but suddenly became a public account, shows that he is still cheating in his head. Or maybe he is not. I think he only wants to show to me that look you are still the loser that you used to be and here I am with a beautiful wife and a child, two of the things that you could not give me and therefore, my cheating and divorcing you was completely justified.
They say that a lot of times people who are not talking to you are the ones who owe you an apology. When I saw the video, I congratulated him, I wished him and blessed the child. Clearly he was not pleased so he blocked me. Games people play. I honestly feel that I am happy for him. I was happy for him that night when I had excruciating kidney stone pain, night before my operation to remove it and he was confessing that he was in love with her and I, as a practicing lawyer was advising him on how to divorce me. I mean to think of the pain I have gone through, I honestly have no idea just how I have done all of that and continue to do so, even today. But I still want him to be happy, to be loved, to be blessed. Everyone deserves it. It is definitely the best thing.
I am happy still for he found love and the life he truly deserved. For me, a life of love and being loved, will never be a reality and while reading The Midnight Library, it has sort of become clear. The shifting reality is that in an alternate world I am living happily with someone who loves me just the way I want to be loved. And while I write this my eyes are brimming with tears, I am hoping of joy, that in an alternate universe at least I am a happy person, much in love and being loved.
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