I haven’t written in the longest time. Could be the time constraint but I feel it had more to do with not finding something which really forced me to think and therefore, write. I get worried sometimes. I get worried about ‘progeny’ for want of a better word. This thought has been making inroads into my, otherwise, very occupied mind for some time now.
Last month I had gone to meet a lady lawyer, who is also single, a few years my elder and extremely successful. It was a courtesy call but I had an agenda. One of my early mentors would always say, ‘Pallavi! you always have an agenda.’ Guilty as charged, I actually do. I find it futile to waste my time or energy in projects which will not yield me results as I desire or bring me closer to my goal.
However, coming back to my agenda for this courtesy call. I wanted to ask her how to live as a single, old woman and what are the definitive dos and donts. Yeah! Before I proceed any further, I do intend to NOT get married once again, Thank you very much. I don’t know what God has in store for me but as of now, my mind is made up. I am definitely worried about my old age. Let’s face it, I am not getting younger. I am 38 and as per one of the panditjis who had made my kundli many moons back, I will live until 67. So you do the maths, how many more years to go!
Good Lord, I really drift from the agenda so much. Coming back to the story again, so we were having our soulful conversation in her beautiful drawing room with her father’s painting hanging on every wall and antique furniture tastefully decorated. I am very sloppy with interior designing/decorating. For me everything should be in symmetry and that’s all that I care. Anyway, so the discussion was about variety of fears that I face every day.
The biggest one is losing my parents. It is a real talk that my parents indulge on a very regular basis. I think it has to do with the fact that I am the eldest and that since Mom’s neuro stroke last year, we are all scared. I swear to God, everytime an ambulance passes by, all of us are reminded of the dreaded 50 minutes that we spent in the ambulance when we were taking Mom to Max. I don’t think anyone of us has recovered from that just as I still get scared in the flight when I have to switch off my mobile. I remember vividly how for 55 minutes that we had to switch off our mobile when Papa had a heart stroke, my sister and I boarded the flight not knowing if we will see Papa again when we land in Lucknow.
God has been very kind and my parents have survived so much in life. By God’s grace they are hale and hearty and despite the difficult discussion that we have about life after them, I hope and pray I have them forever.
The other topic was about having and/or adopting a child. If and when would I want to adopt a child? I have made my peace with not having a child many years back. When I could not have a child naturally or through in-vitro, I decided that I am not going to get bitter about not having my own child. I have Ana and someday my brother’s kids (should they choose to have one, it’s entirely their decision). But the thought of adopting a child has always intrigued me. Ever since I was a child, I always thought of adopting a child. I have a very close friend who I respect so much for adopting a beautiful baby. I have heard countless stories of couples who are very happy after adopting a child. But, its not me. Now a lot of you will think, Oh! She is so not motherly and Oh! She is full of shit. But the truth is, if I cant give what a child needs, it will be a crime to adopt a child. I was in a bitter custody battle last week and I realized that my decision to not have a child was not all that bad.
But what do I do now? Last night while I was binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix, for a split second or maybe more than that, I wanted what and Rory and Lorelai had and I kept thinking back and forth. This is what these TV series do. Make you question your decision. But, that is exactly what they are for. I mean what is the point if after watching SATC you don’t want to be a Carrie Bradshaw or a Blair after watching Gossip Girl or a Rachel after Friends.
However, I realised it last night and night after night, that I love living alone in my 4 BHK house. I am asked this question many a times, so where do you live and I say I live with my parents. And that’s the best feeling in the world. My parents are very practical people who have ensured that my brother stays in his own house and my sister stays in her own house, which leaves just the three of us, in a big house and when my parents are not here, it’s just yours truly! And I love it.
So therefore, it brings me to the last topic of discussion. Who will take care of me when I grow old? So far it looks like my siblings, who as per their kundli, are going to outlive me (TOUCHWOOD). Its unbelievable but today morning when I was getting ready to leave for court, my sister had sent some 20 masks to ensure that I don’t somehow catch the virus and nice uniqlo t-shirts which Ed had picked up for me. To top it all my brother arrives with masks and different flavored hand-sanitizers (yes! There are such things at Bed, Bath & Beyond and Shweta brought them) and a giant blue bottle of 3M something. Boy! Was I happy to see so much protectiveness from my siblings and their Significant Others!
So since I am so swayed by all the good things happening and my future, all set.. I am going to watch Gilmore Girls and then it will be definitely the remaing episodes of Queen because who knows, I may want to be the Queen now or maybe I already am!
Until later!
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