Back in my MBA days, there was a subject called MIS – Management Information System. I always felt that I knew nothing about the subject and that it was an OTH Transmission. The lecturer was this cute guy who wore this leather jacket and came on an amazing sports bike, so the fact that I couldn’t understand a word (or that’s what I felt) made it all the more hard. The grading was based on an MCQ test for 20 marks in mid-term, another 30 for case study and presentation and some 50 marks for the final exam. When the test happened, I felt I do not know anything and I still remember coming out of our City campus in Melbourne on a really chilly day and feeling that I messed up the exam. While making my way back to the tram station near Victoria Market with a very forlorn demeanour, I was disappointed in myself. I scored 19.5 marks out of 20 marks and topped my class. When I got the results, it was for the first time I felt the ‘impostor syndrome’. I conveniently forgot that I had put in a lot of effort for the test, struggling with the latest in the technology and reporting. Instead, I gave in to the feeling of being an imposter thinking that since it was a multiple choice questions format, I was ‘lucky’ to have chosen the correct answer.
I still feel the same so many times. The days that I argue a matter well, or if the bench recognizes me to be somewhat intelligent (look at the usage of the term of ‘somewhat’) and I am getting excellent results for my clients with my sheer hard work, perseverance and strategy, I inevitably shrug it off as being lucky. This happened on Friday again, my dear friend said, ‘Pallavi, I know you are humble and all but you really need to give yourself some credit.’ That stuck with me. Why do I suffer from the ‘imposter syndrome’?
I don’t know the reason or maybe I do know the reason but I can’t accept it. My parents and family are the kinds who always motivated me. For them, I could achieve anything I wanted. The sky was the limit and then I got married. I was constantly reminded of how inefficient I was because I could not cook delicious meals. I cooked but it was not up to the parameters. I was reminded about my inadequacies about my height, my weight, the way I spoke, the way I looked, what I wore and finally, I gave in. I knew I was just not good enough. Eight long years of being constantly criticized make you hate yourself. And I hated myself. I stopped working, I put on weight and in short, I had no desire to do anything.
My parents got me out of it and told me to start practising law. I started to go to Supreme Court and believe me, it was an exercise. Forcing myself to be there, I was finding excuses to quit. But my mother told me and till today her words ring in my head every time the going gets tough, ‘Don’t give up’. And I did not give up. I took my Advocate-on-Record exam and cleared it in the first attempt. I still remember, I was coming back from office and I was talking to my friend who had called up to congratulate me and he said, ‘Pallavi, we are your Jammvant and you are Hanuman, we will always remind you that nothing is impossible. We will always remind you of your power to overcome all your adversities.’ What powerful words they were and the rest, as they say, is history.
The imposter syndrome struck me again. My father would always tell us a story, back in 1981 when my father had gone independent with his practice as a doctor, he had got a telephone connection. Back then, a telephone connection used to be a big thing and would be allotted under special quota. My father told my tauji and he said ‘zyada ambitious mat bano’ (Don’t be too ambitious). He was disheartened but he kept working hard and he did so well for himself. I am my father’s daughter.
Opening my own law firm has been a leap of faith. The world is round and I heard the same words from many people who are my friends- Don’t be so ambitious. Well, what do I do now? Give in to the imposter syndrome and feel I am good for nothing and that failure will be a very public affair. So be it. But unfortunately, I am an eternal optimist. I won’t give in without a good fight.
There is a term called ‘pluralistic ignorance’. Wikipedia defines it as, ‘a situation in which a majority of group members privately reject a norm, but go along with it because they incorrectly assume that most others accept it.’ Simply put, an emperor gets conned by some con artists by telling him that they have the finest clothes and that can only be seen by people who are not stupid. The con artists steal gold while everyone for fear of being termed stupid would say that the clothes that the emperor was wearing were beautiful, until one day a small child points out to the emperor that he is not wearing anything. That is when everyone admits that the emperor was tricked. It is this ignorance that makes us feel like an imposter.
While watching a Ted talk on the subject, I was relieved to see that Maya Angelou and Albert Einstein suffered from it as well. But that relief was not something to be happy about. That relief is for the fact that misery has company.
So even though I struggle to take credit for my victories, I have decided to give myself credit for everything I do. I know there is a thin line between considering myself worthy and behaving arrogantly and I hope to not a crossover. Yet, it cannot be denied that I am here for a reason. I am here because I chose to work towards reaching here. I am here because I dare to dream and then put in that effort to achieve that dream. So while I may feel I don’t deserve it all and that I have only been lucky all this while, the reality is that I deserve every bit of it and those 19.5 marks too!
Until next time.
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